Who Broke It? (An XCOM 2 Fic)

Because this is what the world needed. What the world deserved. The ‘Who broke it?’ scene from Parks and Recreation, now in XCOM 2 format. With a random Viper and Sectopod, because I am Playable Aliens trash and love them. That mod is my life.

Adam was one of my soldiers in my first playthrough. He’s very nervous. Protect him.

I wrote this masterpiece in five minutes. Masterpiece. Yeah. Let’s go with that.

“Who broke it?”

Bradford’s voice echoed throughout the quiet room, and he held up the broken coffee machine for all of the suspects to see. Gasps filled the room, and he sighed, preparing himself for the drama that would ensue. “I’m not mad about it, okay? I just… gotta know. Who broke it?”

“It was me, I’m the one who broke it!” Jane stepped forward immediately. “I admit it, you got me.”

Bradford shook his head. “No. Definitely wasn’t you.”

“Whoa whoa, don’t look at me!” Lily put her hands up defensively, before turning to shoot Tygan a nasty glare. “Look at Tygan!”

“I did not break it,” Tygan looked up from his tablet, returning Lily’s glare with a look of bitter disappointment. “In fact, I haven’t been near it all day.”

“Interesting…” Lily stepped closer to Tygan until she was practically in his face. “Then how did you even know it got broken in the first place? Who offered you an ADVENT burger to smash it? Who?”

Tygan took in a deep breath and looked Lily in the eye. “Shen, Central just showed us the broken coffee machine. I had not seen it until now.”

“A likely story…” Lily backed away from Tygan, but her accusing glare never left him.

He elected to just ignore her.

“Uhhh, I don’t know if it matters, but…” Adam swallowed back a lump in his throat, pointing at the Viper standing near him. “Scorpius was the last one to go near it. I’m just… letting you know.”

“You think I broke it?!” Scorpius’ raspy voice turned shrill enough that Bradford briefly wondered if it could be weaponized against reinforced glass. She hissed at Adam. “I don’t drink that garbage! Y’all got rocks for brains to think it tastes good!”

“If you weren’t using it, then why were you hanging around there?” Adam stepped away from Scorpius, trying in vain to hide the shivers going through his body. Oh God… Why’d they have to bring a giant snake home? Why’d it have to be a snake?

“I was playing Pokemon Go you jerk!” Scorpius crossed her arms and huffed. “There was a Charmander by the coffee machine!”

“I’m the one who broke it, let me fix it!” Jane piped in again.

“No, I want to know who really broke it!” Bradford set the coffee machine down on the small table in front of them all, looking around the room. “And you’re going to tell me who it was!”

“…You know, come to think of it…” Adam looked pale as a ghost at this, and he shakily gestured towards the Sectopod standing near Lily. “…Sigma Orion hasn’t made a beep this whole time. I dunno, looks pretty… guilty to me.”

Sigma Orion sprang to life immediately, turning around to face Adam and staring into his soul. Adam screamed the most shrill scream his voice could muster, and Sigma Orion exploded into a flurry of angry beeps and whistles.

“…Is she seriously screaming that old Navy SEALs copypasta at Adam?” Scorpius buried her face in her hands.

“I programmed her to do that,” Lily replied, shedding a single tear. “I’m so proud of my baby…”

“I’m the one who broke it for the last time!” Jane cried out, her voice swept away by Adam’s screams of terror and Sigma Orion’s furious beeping and whistling. Within minutes, Lily started yelling at Tygan who started yelling back which made Sigma Orion angrier and Scorpius began ranting about coffee until finally Jane couldn’t process the world around her anymore.

She certainly didn’t see Bradford slip out of the room.

“I broke it,” Bradford announced to a nearby rookie. “The Commander ticked me off, so I just… kicked it and it crashed into a wall. Luckily, now that I’ve got the group of people she’s most likely to blame trapped in a game of Town of Salem, I’m safe.”

The rookie only stared.

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